I Am

I was reading the ending of "The Amber Spyglass" today when I finished and turned to the page of acknowledgements at the back of the book. It's something I like to do just as a curiousity, and I was surprised to find Phillip Pullman's credits quite lengthy. There is one line in there that I loved, and I felt compelled to share: I have stolen ideas from every book I've ever read. I got to thinking about this and realized, beyond the admission that other people's ideas are inspiring to you, how every book you read is tiny piece of the ultimate shape you become, as a person, and especially as a writer.

I have a unique way of recognizing correct spelling. I remember every word I have ever read, and each word was added to my vocabularly the instant I saw it used in a sentence. My spelling is from visual memory, and if I have seen a word I will be able to spell it, based on the "looks right" rule that is so dependable. I do not always know how to pronounce every word, which has caused me some embarrassment when I have to admit that I have never heard anyone say it. I have seen it written, and have inferred its meaning from the context, and this is how I learn. I bring this up because I feel that my writing voice has been created in this way; I have taken the shape of what I have read into myself and made it part of me, part of who I am and part of the goal that all writers have when they set out to put their words on paper.

Who would I be if I had not read the Fountainhead, and heard the resonance of the law I had always kept dear to my heart: "bring yourself to bear with everything you can muster, and let nothing tear you down"? Who would I be if I had not first journeyed across the universe in a Wrinkle in Time, and learned that there is good and evil and that evil should be fought to the last? Who would I be if I had not read Jane Austen, and realized that I do enjoy the ridiculous, and so "dearly love to laugh?" All of these people, with their words like ropes thrown to me across the span of space and time, building me up into what I am. They have thrown me something to grasp and take into myself, their being, their message, their love- and I have done it.

Now I start my own journey, a journey I have been trying and failing to take like so many people before and after me. I read the words I have written and I think badly of them: who will read this and find resonance? Who will find these words in a part of their own heart, and with my help bring it to light? But I needn't worry about that. I can't see what will happen in the future, if any of the words I write will see the light of day. I can't known if anyone will find resonance with me, if anyone will take a tiny part of me into themselves and let me live on, in my own beautiful immortality, a part of them forever. I may never know if I will change the world in a tiny way. But I must try, because to not try is to betray those who have built me up for this purpose.

We are all a chain, reaching through each other forever, and I won't let you down.