My Subconscious is Extremely Impractical

I've never been entirely sure if there is a huge difference between writers and schizophrenics. I think most writers live with an internal dialogue that they may or may not be able to identify as themselves. I know I have a voice in there, which I'm pretty sure is my own. But every now and then it comes up with something so bizarre or taunting that I really begin to wonder.

There's been a narrator in there for as long as I can remember, throwing out helpful descriptions of the landacape "the clouds billowed dangerously in the sky like a group of bullying children in the schoolyard" or just narrating my own actions in an annyoingly pretentious way, "She had known she didn't love him; but she seen her worth only in terms of what he could give her." It can be a little smug at times, but I don't want it to go away. Beecause it's also the voice I hear when I feel depressed or confused. It's almost always cheering me on, a little bit of hope that reaches out to me, and reminds me of the things that I really believe in.

But today, the voice told me something unusual. I was walking back up the stairs to my office, and I looked out at the sky overhead. It's something I frequently do when I'm trying to feel better. This kind of "looking up" reminds me that there's more out there, and that I just need to have the right kind of thinking to see it. But today as I looked outside, the voice quite clearly told me, "You could walk out the door and never come back." I would have almost called it a taunt, if it had not come in such a gentle, reassuring way. It wasn't making fun of me. It was just a reminder, that I am free.

I was surprised however, that my subconcious, so acutely aware of my current unhappiness, was reminding me of my freeedom to choose. Of course, it is the practical, rational choice, but it is a still a choice that I consciously make. I come here, out of my own free will, every day. I like tell myself I need to be here, that I need the money, and this almost completely true. But I am always choosing this for myself, whether conscious or unconscious, and that choice always available to me is the option to walk out the door and never come back.

*Big deep breath*


My inner voice is much, much braver than me.